Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics……

Are you in a dilemma whether to speak the truth or not? Don’t Fear. Be Bold. Face the world. Just Lie. It is Cool.

True words of Sir Edward Norton are the apt title of this write-up. Mr. Norton is the Head Professor of the Statistics Dept in the University of Massachusetts. He was fed up with people misusing statistics to their advantage and equated Statistics to Lies. I was wondering about the quantum of lies we say in our everyday life. What is the probability of me lying in a normal situation to a given question? If I answer this question, it will obviously be a lie again. I recently browsed through the website of Indian Statistical Department (www.indianstatistics.gov.in), which recently published the figures of an average Indian citizen lying when he is faced with 100 different questions; the number was startling, 83. It publishes all sorts of useful and useless statistics like the Census and so on. Man!! We do lie a lot. So, what exactly do we have to do if we are faced with a constraint of saying just the truth?

It is impossible for me to even imagine such a thing. How can I speak just the truth, there got to be some way out? So, I decide to take a journey into the past to unearth the origin of Lies. Where? Why? How? There got to be an answer for all these questions. First question being who could have started lying. Guys or Girls?? I would have to give it to the Guys; coz girls, in my honest opinion, are way too blonde to lie. So where does it begin. Hopefully the first words of Adam after seeing Eve would have been, “You look pretty”, and, poor girl, she fell for it. Then, she ate the apple and began to pollute, pardon me, and populate the world. Gosh! It is a scientific fact that lying is harder than telling the truth. I know it out of experience, because it takes a great deal of courage and strength to hide your laughter when you are gonna say a blatant lie like, Nice to meet you or You are gorgeous or things like that. Let’s get down to business here; I was doing a bit of research on the subject of Lying and Whoa! Wiki-wisdom comes out with even different kinds of lies. It categorises lies ranging from treachery to bull-crap. But, it still gave me a lead regarding the instances of lying, in the Holy Bible. But, we Hindus have a God known to be the master of Mis-direction, a fancy word for misleading with a lie. Yeah, I am talking about Lord Krishna. Even in midst of the war, he was instrumental in the killing of the Commander of the Kauravas, Dronacharya by a simple mis-direction. So, it is not a Crime to lie, only if it does not result in any disaster or if it is not discovered at all. Since we have successfully traced back the origin of lies to the Creator of Heavens, we can carry on our normal life by lying constantly. But if you wish to take up a “Do I Lie?” Test, you can check it out here – www.testeverything.com\liedetector. Pretty cool questions and gadgets they have got there. I took up the test and earned the name of “Bluff-master”.

Coming to the technical part of lying, it is a scientific fact that muscles in our face tend to go rigid when we are lying. Also, the physics theory of Doppler Effect has a corollary called the Relative Intensity Theory which states that, “The pitch of the voice is directly proportional to the intensity of the emphasis on the Lie and causes the Blood pressure to dramatically increase”. Q.E.D lying causes high blood pressure and who knows even Cardiac Arrest. So, are we gonna stop lying. Strictly not, even cigarette packets have the Statutory Warning, but who cares.

So, why do we really lie? The question was put before Sir Alex Longfellow, a comedian known as Doofus, he said, “Well, I told a lie when I was 4 years old, and the rest are for covering the lie I said.” Spot on. We somehow manage a single lie and it takes every ounce of wisdom to cover that simple lie. Jeez! It requires quite a memory and timing to come up with fancy lies. Is there an end to lies? Are we gonna speak the truth at least once in our lives. I would raise my hands and say, “Yes I will. I am just waiting for the opportune moment. That’s what I have reserved my Death-bed for.” I am saying this out of experience friends, you have a very short life and do you want it to be miserable. Don’t be in a dilemma as to tell out the Truth or Lie. Just do it, Keep the Lie plain and Simple. Steve Martin pointed out – Truth is what you say and people believe, if any one doubts your facts, either change the facts or kill the man.

To finish off things, I have to say this, “A man who doesn’t speak the truth is Incomplete. A man who speaks the truth is Finished.”

Wait a minute; I am getting a call from my friend about hanging out at a movie. I am going, but before that I gotta call up Appa and say, “Appa, I have some job at office, might be terribly late. So, you and Amma don’t wait up”. I could have said I am going to a movie. He isn’t going to eat me alive. But what is life without Cheap Thrills.

Speaking the truth doesn’t make you even a day younger,

Telling lies is not gonna make your nose grow longer

Let’s come out and make our lives happier

This Nocturnal Bird would keep singing forever.

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Shiva
    Apr 15, 2010 @ 14:35:08

    Wow! Your best post till date.

    Began well, but floundered in the first half, confused me, but after that, Oh boy!. Nice hilarious post. I loved it.

    One suggestion
    “So, it is not a Crime to lie, only if it does not result in any disaster or if it is not discovered at all”.

    Here i enjoyed it becoz of the the second part “if it is not discovered at all”. But many might miss it. It could have been said as

    “So, it is not a crime to lie if it does not result in disaster or atleast you don’t get caught”

    But awesome da

    Shiva

    Reply

  2. Shiva
    Apr 15, 2010 @ 14:36:02

    Really Good. I want to repeat it. Really loved it

    Shiva

    Reply

  3. Divya
    Apr 15, 2010 @ 15:49:18

    Cool one. “Not speaking the truth is also equivalent to lie” as said by ——
    He he anyways
    Keep up the good work

    Reply

  4. Kartik Srinivasan
    Apr 15, 2010 @ 18:17:31

    This is one of the best posts I have ever come across da. I rate this among the top blog posts I have read. This post of yours would definitely earn you laurels man.

    As shiva said, the line about not being discovered really stole the show man. This post rattled the page and got the best out of you.

    No criticisms for the first time as it was nothing short of being perfect. It was great reading it.

    Come up with such beautiful ones man. You have much more inside you. reveal it, there are many who would like to see it. I meant, the talent you possess in writing about such abstract things.

    Your theme is too good to be true man.

    Keep going

    Idhuvum Kadandhupogum
    Kartik

    Reply

  5. Aditya Ravindran
    Apr 16, 2010 @ 05:23:01

    Guru – my man………. Absolutely wonderful post. I dont know where you got the idea from, but the theme itself fascinated me a lot. And I loved the way you have narrated it. If you have really done that research (I hope atleast that is not a lie), then hats off to you for making effort to do some background work for the post. You have taken our blog standards to a new level with this one. Eventhough the subject is not described well enough, this effort is absolutely brilliant. Examples from history are also well pointed out. But you missed a thing – you must have mentioned how we went to Tiruvannamalai by car 😉

    Reply

  6. Bhagi
    Apr 16, 2010 @ 14:10:52

    Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! Yours must’ve been an inferno by the time you finished the post 😉 You have managed to be faithful to the title and fed us all lies, damned lies, white lies and statistics, of course. Seriously, you would put Pinocchio to shame 😉

    On a more serious note, a very well written post, specially wrt the arrangement of thoughts and your sentence construction! Nice going with the http://www.testeverything.com\liedetector.

    Reply

  7. Balaji
    May 03, 2010 @ 07:36:45

    The blog was good. Our profesion gives us the freedom to lie which people call it as arguments and also it is always good to lie when you are late or take a day off and most important: avoid outstations

    Reply

  8. Harini J.L
    Jun 03, 2010 @ 09:59:29

    A very good write up:) a hilarious one:) keep going guru
    And those last 4 poetic lines s also good:)

    Reply

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